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| NEW WEBLOG ENTRY.
hahahaha. yeah a lot of stuff has happened.
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| So it feels like I've grown ten years older in the last 10 hours...you
guys can probably guess a part of the reason why. That's right. Class
ranks. I said I wouldn't care, but I knew deep down that I probably
would (I know myself too well). But I've gone through so many emotions
today concerning these ranks, or just my rank in particular. 18. I'm
just gonna come straight out and stop playing my game of "oh stephen's
just messing with us because he's top 10". I'm not. I'm not where
anyone thought I would be. Honesty, straight up. It's a new thing.
Now I know you guys are probably groaning, goin like "18...WTH...WHY
ARE YOU SAD?!" It's a pride thing, guys. I have the most tremendous ego
in the history of man. And that two digit number just checked
it...hard. I have to admit, I told everyone that I didn't expect
anything great from my rank, and that I didn't really care. I was like,
"I'll probably be 18 or something". Seriously, I said that. And I
laughed. And they didn't believe me. Believe me now? When I got it...I
was just like...(pardon me) "damn...". You guys who know me know how
hard it is for me. But I don't think anyone knows the whole story.
Maybe I'm just overplaying this whole thing, but it's a lot of things
put together, and it's easier to express things through the medium of
ranks. So I'ma tell you straight up again. I entered high school as
possible valedictorian. Seriously, I'm not going to sugarcoat it or
waste time with modesty. Valedictorian. And I wasn't too bad at sports
either. Academics and Athletics? That spells Stanford for sure right
there. But what do you know? 2 B's in geometry (long explanation
involving eye virus and not being able to open my eyes and pay
attention...they were 89's by the way..she refused to bump that). And I
got a B in schroeder first semester. And both semesters for biology.
There are two more that I'm not telling you guys, I'm just so ashamed
of them.
So thinking about it, I have the most credits in our year.
Valedictorian. The possibility. It seemed so real. But I spent so long
dreaming that I forgot the task at hand. It was a little like this. Oh,
I got a B on the test, no big deal. 83 six weeks avg? No problem, Mr. S
Jong can pull that one up no problemo. B for the semester? Everyone
gets Bs once in a while, don't worry. And so on and so forth.
But I guess the point is, up until now I didn't really grasp that this
all didn't matter. Sure, I said it so many times I can't even recall.
And it's not just sour grapes. I'm not jealous of the 17 people ahead
of me (though they will become the victims of a personal redemptional
vendetta of mine). Well, maybe a little bit. But that's not the point,
see? But points are sharp and sharp things are dangerous. Or they can
be just what I need. Directness. I'm done with it.
As every former dream of mine fades, I draw closer to God and what He
has for me in my life. Varsity everything, Valedictorian, ultra-popular
dude, all of them. As I was sharing tonight with my group, being broken
hurts. I know. I am broken. But also like I said, we are broken down
only that we may be edified, as according to His plan. I don't know
where everything's headed right now, but I think I'm willing (and
finally ready) to just say goodbye to my dreams. I had what I had, and
I did what I did, so it's ok with me.
I guess I kinda wanted all of you to read this, even though I know only
10 will at most. When I express myself, I want it to actually be
heard/read. Well, I guess that's all.
Au revoir. See you on the other side.
-stephen
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| Where are we to go after we've accomplished all the tasks set before us?
I just realized that I finally achieved the goal that I set in eighth
grade to skip an entire grade. It's harder in middle school because you
have to take a test for each subject instead of a big "oh you're a
genius let's move you up" kinda thing. So it started when I skipped 7th
grade math and took Algebra with a really short girl named Masie =p.
Then in eighth grade I skipped english and got to know Vankim. Then I
doubled up in science and got to take bio with Jay =). That summer, I
took world history in a class that I'll never forget. =p. So basically,
next year I won't really have much to do. I think it'll suck. Like
right now, I don't have any more work to do. Seriously...I watched 3
full-length movies a few weeks ago. -_-'. But besides that, it's just
weird. to remember my dreams when I was younger. I've become everything
I wanted to become, and it hasn't got me any farther than I was
already.
And these class ranks. I'll be the first to say I don't care what my
class rank is, and I won't be sharing it with any of you guys. It's not
that I worry about where I rank (well, not for myself), but it's just
that some people just have artificially high expectations for me, and I
know I'll be so embarrassed when those accursed ranks come out. It's
been fun pretending that I'm smart and all, but I'm NOT. I just work
like hell. This stuff comes easy to me? Not in the least. I've just
created an unreal schedule through which any other less hardworking
would collapse. I guess it's fun sometimes to finish a test in 10
minutes and watch everyone go "WHAO, THAT KID MUST BE ON EDUCATIONAL
STEROIDS!" =p. That's probably the only skill I've picked up. I'm crazy
about efficiency and if need be, I can finish all my homework in an
hour. But after all this stuff I've put myself through, I keep asking
myself whether this is the path I want to take or not. The athletic
dream is over, guys. =(. As much as I would like to join basketball
next year and be an awesome kickass varsity baller, it's just not for
me anymore. I'm short, chinese, and flat footed (which means I
shouldn't be able to run very fast or jump very high PSH YEAH RIGHT).
But whatever. I'm ok with that now, even though I like to think what
things would've been like if I had parents that endorsed my athletic
endeavors. And that's gonna transition to my next insane juxtaposition.
So lately since I've had a lot of time, I've been reflecting on
how my life would've been if I had done things differently. If I had
never heard "Lose Yourself" while channel surfing on the radio. If I
had never liked those girls that I liked. If I could have been involved
in athletics. If I had held on to friendships back then. There are
things that I did, things that I said, that I so regret now. They say
words can't hurt, but words are real. I've killed so many friendships
through my readiness to let loose with a verbal volley of words. I
guess that's just who I am. There's no way to change that, but
there's no use trying to be that person. Because I don't know if I can
anymore. I'll just be the Stephen you guys know and love. And I talk
far too much. And no one reads these things anymore.
I'm tired.
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